Dear Reader,
I think I'm writing this post because I believe it's time I acknowledge things to myself. In light of recent events, I'm sorry if this post seems a little uncontrolled. But I've prayed for strength and I know that it started to come from that moment that I felt like I fell down because I could not keep myself together.
This all started when I realized that I've gotten real good at doing/saying what other people expect. Thank you Bret Mortimer and Maddie Beeton for your thoughts and your words in your blogs. You are truly yourselves and I'm so thankful for you. I think I've read and reread your posts like ten times now and I would like you both to know that your words have made a difference in my life and my journey.
Today, I join your voices: I hope that this post does not inspire angry feelings; I am writing in the hopes that my situation and my realizations will one day help someone who finds him/herself in a similar place. Even if it is myself, again.
MY STRUGGLE AND CONFESSION.
In the last few months, I made myself believe that only my successes made me valuable, and I refused to do anything but succeed. I covered, repressed, and/or ignored any hint of failure or weakness I sensed not only in myself but also in a person I came to care so much about.
REALIZATION.
My mind was a world in which I did not fully acknowledge my Savior; a place where I shared the power to not only save myself, but this other person as well.
I believed that I could solve problems by myself, including those that weren't my own, by simply believing that I could.
I thought I could do everything: live my dreams, fulfill my desires, and be myself in a situation that I knew from the beginning wasn't mine to try to solve.
This realization does not mean that I regret a single moment of the last 10 months. That time has led me to the last couple of days, in which I believe I've grown and I will continue to grow if I rely on the only person who CAN save.
TRUTH.
I now understand that my experiences up to this point are meant to remind me to be humble. That His plan for me is better than my plan for myself. That I cannot make choices for someone, and that all things can be understood in their proper time.
I also understand that the Lord gives all of us weaknesses so that we can become stronger (Ether 12:27). Weaknesses remind us that Christ is our Savior.
For a moment, I thought that my hopes and dreams for my future took a sharp turn into an unknown direction. But is that direction really unknown? It really isn't. I have not been alone for a single moment (Footprints in the Sand). My plans have not felt like they were wrong. My attitude was wrong, and that's what needed a change. Knowing all of this has made the world of difference. The ice cold feeling I had on Sunday has slowly been reborn into the warmest, kindest of fires. And he played the largest part in helping me understand that.
I'm grateful that General Conference is this weekend. I'm grateful for prayer and for revelation from modern day prophets (See this: Where is the Pavilion? and this: Pres. Uchtdorf's talk at Women's Conf). I'm grateful for my patriarcal blessing because it reminds me of my purpose in this life. I am grateful for a brother who did not hesitate to say yes when I asked for a Priesthood blessing. I'm grateful for my sister for listening to everything and for understanding. I'm grateful for him for encouraging me to go in the right direction. And for having played such a loving part in my life. I'm grateful for that random stranger that cheered up my night by simply talking about his life. I'm grateful for a new roommate that's been so kind to me. I'm grateful to have family visiting this weekend; I know we're gonna have so much fun and I'm so excited gahhhhhh!! I'm grateful to all of you who have already called and texted me, and invited me into your apartments and homes and even workplaces and offered cookies and pumpkin bread, and Chipotle, and Insanity, and possible Katy Perry tickets, and most of all, offered your time (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! :)). I'm so thankful for my family because I know they see my potential and encourage me (sometimes through the most unexpected of ways) to fulfill it. I'm grateful for the following conversation:
Me: You know what Taylor Swift says, Shake it Off.
Brendan: You know what Enrique Iglesias says, Bailamos.
But most of all, I am grateful for a Savior who is aware of me. Because He is the only One who understands me completely. He understands that my feelings have been a roller coaster of sad-happy-hopeful-liberated-confused-determined-lonely-grateful-idontevenknowwhatelse and that He still loves me. He is the only One who is forgiving enough and who is not afraid of my failures and my problems and has the unique ability to say, "Yes, I know what you're going through. It's hard for you. Lean on me, and try again."
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| Borrowing this from Maddie's blog. Such true words. |
Thanks for taking the time to read my crazy ramblings. Prayers are appreciated :).
PS. The following are links to the afore mentioned blogs. Maddie and Bret, you are both golden.
Maddie's Blog: With All Our Hearts
Bret's Blog: Golden State Style
<3, Christel.
