Struggles, Confessions, Realizations, and Truths

Dear Reader,

I think I'm writing this post because I believe it's time I acknowledge things to myself. In light of recent events, I'm sorry if this post seems a little uncontrolled. But I've prayed for strength and I know that it started to come from that moment that I felt like I fell down because I could not keep myself together.

This all started when I realized that I've gotten real good at doing/saying what other people expect. Thank you Bret Mortimer and Maddie Beeton for your thoughts and your words in your blogs. You are truly yourselves and I'm so thankful for you. I think I've read and reread your posts like ten times now and I would like you both to know that your words have made a difference in my life and my journey.

Today, I join your voices: I hope that this post does not inspire angry feelings; I am writing in the hopes that my situation and my realizations will one day help someone who finds him/herself in a similar place. Even if it is myself, again.

MY STRUGGLE AND CONFESSION.

In the last few months, I made myself believe that only my successes made me valuable, and I refused to do anything but succeed. I covered, repressed, and/or ignored any hint of failure or weakness I sensed not only in myself but also in a person I came to care so much about.

REALIZATION.

My mind was a world in which I did not fully acknowledge my Savior; a place where I shared the power to not only save myself, but this other person as well.

I believed that I could solve problems by myself, including those that weren't my own, by simply believing that I could.

I thought I could do everything: live my dreams, fulfill my desires, and be myself in a situation that I knew from the beginning wasn't mine to try to solve.

This realization does not mean that I regret a single moment of the last 10 months. That time has led me to the last couple of days, in which I believe I've grown and I will continue to grow if I rely on the only person who CAN save.

TRUTH.

I now understand that my experiences up to this point are meant to remind me to be humble. That His plan for me is better than my plan for myself. That I cannot make choices for someone, and that all things can be understood in their proper time.

I also understand that the Lord gives all of us weaknesses so that we can become stronger (Ether 12:27). Weaknesses remind us that Christ is our Savior. 

For a moment, I thought that my hopes and dreams for my future took a sharp turn into an unknown direction. But is that direction really unknown? It really isn't. I have not been alone for a single moment (Footprints in the Sand). My plans have not felt like they were wrong. My attitude was wrong, and that's what needed a change. Knowing all of this has made the world of difference. The ice cold feeling I had on Sunday has slowly been reborn into the warmest, kindest of fires. And he played the largest part in helping me understand that. 

I'm grateful that General Conference is this weekend. I'm grateful for prayer and for revelation from modern day prophets (See this: Where is the Pavilion? and this: Pres. Uchtdorf's talk at Women's Conf). I'm grateful for my patriarcal blessing because it reminds me of my purpose in this life. I am grateful for a brother who did not hesitate to say yes when I asked for a Priesthood blessing. I'm grateful for my sister for listening to everything and for understanding. I'm grateful for him for encouraging me to go in the right direction. And for having played such a loving part in my life. I'm grateful for that random stranger that cheered up my night by simply talking about his life. I'm grateful for a new roommate that's been so kind to me. I'm grateful to have family visiting this weekend; I know we're gonna have so much fun and I'm so excited gahhhhhh!! I'm grateful to all of you who have already called and texted me, and invited me into your apartments and homes and even workplaces and offered cookies and pumpkin bread, and Chipotle, and Insanity, and possible Katy Perry tickets, and most of all, offered your time (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! :)). I'm so thankful for my family because I know they see my potential and encourage me (sometimes through the most unexpected of ways) to fulfill it. I'm grateful for the following conversation: 

Me: You know what Taylor Swift says, Shake it Off.

Brendan: You know what Enrique Iglesias says, Bailamos. 

But most of all, I am grateful for a Savior who is aware of me. Because He is the only One who understands me completely. He understands that my feelings have been a roller coaster of sad-happy-hopeful-liberated-confused-determined-lonely-grateful-idontevenknowwhatelse and that He still loves me. He is the only One who is forgiving enough and who is not afraid of my failures and my problems and has the unique ability to say, "Yes, I know what you're going through. It's hard for you. Lean on me, and try again."

Borrowing this from Maddie's blog. Such true words.

Thanks for taking the time to read my crazy ramblings. Prayers are appreciated :).

PS. The following are links to the afore mentioned blogs. Maddie and Bret, you are both golden. 

Maddie's Blog: With All Our Hearts

Bret's Blog: Golden State Style

<3, Christel.

Facts of STEM Majors

As my four-year undergraduate degree comes to a close, I decided to write down the things that I came to realize throughout my journey. Perhaps these are only applicable to science majors at BYU, or maybe just to me because I'm weird, but these realizations helped me to laugh and to learn. 

Being a STEM major is HARD. Often, we get discouraged and think that we're paying so much money, and that we're going to be so in debt that we won't be able to make a true difference in the world, or that that same difference will take at least another 20 years to achieve. However, I find what Pres. Uchtdorf said in a recent conference to be true; we shouldn't wait until future events to be happy. Life is all about finding joy in the journey.

So these are the things that I found to be true or that I thought about for the last four years:

As a STEM, specifically Science, major:

1. You will start making organic molecules out of every shape around you.

I cannot tell you how many times I saw stuff on the sidewalk. 

These two blocks of cement sideways make 2,2,4,4-tetramethylpentane. Try saying that five times fast. 

Oh, just some cyclohexane rings, nbd.

2. You will scoff if a non-STEM major brags about their 4.0.

I know you might think that your Foundations of Sewing class is hard because it's challenging, but try taking organic chem, organic chem lab, physics, physics lab, anatomy, anatomy lab, and a stupid generals class and getting a 4.0.... better yet, try it at an actually hard university (Your 4.0 might as well be a 3.2, I've seen your pictures of assignments that you think are hard. THEY ARE NOT HARD. Suck it up, people!).

3. You will lose a few self-esteem points. You need to find an outlet to gain them back or you will get depressed haha. 

I have never felt more incompetent than in a college science class. No matter how many hours of non-cramming study I put in, sometimes I still did bad on the tests! Like, WHAT THE HECK!?!? But, remember, learning is all about understanding your mistakes and making the necessary changes to get better. Don't believe me?? Go read Daniel Coyle's The Talent Code. It is also important to take breaks here and there. For me, being part of the Salsa Club presidency really helped out. Not only did I get to teach dancing, which I love, but I also helped to make the Salsa Club the largest club on campus and thus, I made a lot of friends, added something interesting to my resume, and de-stressed between study periods. 

4. You will understand that the College Triangle is REAL. 

Behold, the College Triangle:

Good grades + social life = NO SLEEP

Good grades + enough sleep = NO FRIENDS

Enough sleep + social life = BAD GRADES

It is so hard to balance it all. They key to getting around the college triangle is to know when you can do what. There are times where you can party and sleep and study; just make sure you know what your priorities are. If you have a midterm around the corner, it's ok to not go party. THERE WILL BE PLENTY OF PARTIES. 

5. You will learn not to worry over a test until after you know the class average.

Sometimes you walk out of the testing center feeling bummed cuz you got a 75% so you call your mom and cry and then eat a ton of ice cream or other junk food or treat yourself to a shopping spree to make you like you're not that much of a failure. And then, later you learn that the class average was 62%. Except for that annoying nerd that got 97% and threw off the whole curve, you did good!! Just work with your Professor or TA to understand the problems you got wrong. And if you are the annoying nerd, then all the more power to ya. Nerds, unite!

6. You will need to understand that you can't discriminate against people that are non-STEM majors or girls that aren't in school because they're married. 

Being an LDS girl during your 20s is sometimes hard because you don't know what to do with your life. You understand that being a wife and mom would be the most fantastic thing that could happen to you, but you are ambitious and want a career. You get super hyped up because you can make a true change in the world (LIKE CURE CANCER!) with your education, so you look down on girls that are married or that choose to get married over "making something of themselves." You shouldn't do that. 

Julia Styles in Mona Lisa Smile said it perfectly (she's Joan):

Joan Brandwyn: Do you think I'll wake up one morning and regret not being a lawyer?

Katherine Watson: Yes, I'm afraid that you will.

Joan Brandwyn: Not as much as I'd regret not having a family, not being there to raise them. I know exactly what I'm doing and it doesn't make me any less smart. This must seem terrible to you.

Katherine Watson: I didn't say that.

Joan Brandwyn: Sure you did. You always do. You stand in class and tell us to look beyond the image, but you don't. To you a housewife is someone who sold her soul for a center hall colonial. She has no depth, no intellect, no interests. You're the one who said I could do anything I wanted. This is what I want.

Yes, organic chemistry is, in theory, harder than sewing. In theory, calculus does require a lot more brain power than understanding the psychological and political reasonings behind history. But can you say calculus requires more brain power than teaching and dealing with three screaming kids?? Education is very important. How can you raise future generations if you're not educated? Educated wives and mothers, and husbands and fathers are the people that really make a difference. 

Overall, just strive to do your best and you'll be blessed. Trust that the Lord has a plan for you, no matter what stage of life you are in. Whether you are still struggling with the day-to-day challenges of high school or college, or whether you are married and struggling with the challenges of marriage, life is a challenge in and of itself. In this challenge, learn to find joy in the little things, and always laugh and smile. Things are not always as bad as you think they are and they will always be better if you find a lesson to learn from your situation.

Just in case you're reading this and need a pick-me-up, watch this: 

 

And that is all. 

The Pony Problem

So, a few days ago I found a list of books online. I think it was a list that was geared toward my generation of readers because it was all about what books to read now depending on what you liked as a kid.

Here's the link, just in case you're looking to find the equivalent of an adult Harry Potter (although I think that's impossible; nothing will ever be quite as magical as HP):

http://www.buzzfeed.com/ariannarebolini/books-to-read-based-on-your-childhood-favorites

I came across the Ramona Quimby book, and although I never actually read it, the cover on the list seemed quirky and cute. Naturally, I went to the BYU library's website to see if its adult counterpart, I was told there'd be cake by Sloane Crosley was available to check out. From reading a couple of its reviews I decided it'd be my next book to tackle.

Now, you gotta understand that this is a big deal because I haven't read anything since Malcolm Gladwell's David and Goliath came out, and I only read that because come on, it's Malcolm Gladwell and he's brilliant. If you're reading this and you don't know who Malcolm Gladwell is, then please, go to iBooks or your Kindle or something... and buy Outliers. Though I'm sure if you don't know who Malcolm Gladwell is then you've been hiding under a rock because he's even been mentioned on New Girl. It's all about that 10,000 hr. rule.

Well today, I finally checked out I was told there'd be cake, and the first chapter alone made me take immediate action. The title for this first chapter was The Pony Problem. In it, Sloane tells about how, like any other New Yorker, she's imagined what her loved ones would think if they had to clean out her apartment in case of her sudden death. (I thought this was weird, but I guess after 9/11 it makes sense.)

She says that the one thing she'd be most embarrassed by would be her toy pony collection that she keeps under her kitchen drawer. She admits she doesn't even like ponies, but whenever a sig. oth. told her he had good news, she'd ask if he'd gotten her a pony. Well, over the years, the sig. oths. reluctantly got her ponies to stop her from asking if the good things they got for her were ponies.

She realizes that she's never been able to throw out the many ponies because they all remind her of a piece or part of her life that all these past boyfriends took part in. After thinking it through, she decides to put all the ponies in a bag and leave the bag on the floor of Brooklyn-bound subway. I'm posting her last paragraph because I can't say it more perfectly than she does:

"In any case, the ponies are gone. They are on their way to a borough where eventually they will hit the end of the line and cycle back into the heart of the city. Unless the bomb squad finds them first. They are finally out of my sight and not even an 8.5 on the Nostalgia Richter Scale can summon them back. I created them and now I have uncreated them and there is nothing I can do about it. Except maybe continue to look both ways before crossing the street and avoid areas with a high saturation of random violence. I breathe a sigh of resolute relief. From now on I will make a conscious effort to remember--should I find myself face-to-face or pipe-to-skull with the end of my life--that the real proof that I have tried to love and that people have tried to love me back was never going to fit in a kitchen drawer."

Well I realized that over the years, I have kept my own version of ponies. My version of ponies is more than just one collection of objects. I hold on to things. That doesn't necessarily mean that I'm a hoarder haha. But I hold on to little things that people have given me over the years to remind myself that people have loved me.

When I realized the gist of what Sloane was saying, I immediately got my phone out. I have never deleted a text. I had texts in my phone from way back in 2010. So I started to delete. Texts from past roommates, friends and ex-boyfriends all got deleted into oblivion. My self-esteem should not rely on the past or on the people that have made up my past. The texts can't reassure me that I am loved or popular or whatever because they came to me in the past. My self-esteem should not come from past experiences.

 I can build my self-esteem from the present. I know that I am a daughter of God. I know that I have a family that loves me. I know that as long as I walk in the paths of righteousness I will be guided.
Of course, those people that have texted me made up a part of my life. I will be forever grateful for them, because no matter if I am still friends with those people or not, and no matter how small of a period they were in my life for, they have all taught me something and shared something with me. It doesn't matter if the text was information on a homework assignment or a reminder to go to FHE or even the promise that they missed or loved me; all those past texts are not my present. By letting go of old things, we can make room for new hopes and experiences. Our pasts can haunt us, but we must learn to be forgiving of ourselves.

As my dad said in his last note to me,

"The future awaits you with arms wide open." (And I will hold on to this note!)